Dear Overworked Brand,
Last I heard from you was, a minute back. You sent me an SMS asking me for feedback. Sorry, I couldnâ€™t reply to that. Here, I hope Iâ€™ll make it up by writing to you directly.
So, is everything okay? You seem lonely and desperate. Whatâ€™s going on with that new product you were launching? I was intrigued by its standard features in the first mail, but then your guys started pestering me with calls, making it quite suspect. No offence, but I think youâ€™ve started talking too much and way too often.
Iâ€™ve also noticed you on FB these days, turning cool eh? Except, itâ€™s a bit late in the day, and, after paying attention to what you had to say, I realized youâ€™ve turned into an egotistical bore. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about? O yeah! it was about you!
I used to like you once, but allow me to remind you that I was never obsessively â€œin loveâ€ with you. So, next time you talk to me like we were a match made in heaven, remember youâ€™re competing with messages from people I really do fancy listening to. I added these folks on Facebook, they did not ask me to â€˜likeâ€™ their page because it would entitle me to a free key chain!
How must I express my unquenchable curiosity to learn all about offers you and your friends send in every waking hour!!?? O hold on, I beg your pardon; these other guys are anything but your friends, right? This might offend you, but you lads look like twins. I know you try and talk different, dress up unique and all that, but really, itâ€™s difficult to hide the fact that you came from the same set of parents, Ms. Gluttony & Mr. Duh. Recently one of your young online cousins offered me 100 points for buying a shoe and referring a friend. I was like â€œWOW 100 points that mean absolutely nothing! Have to try this!â€
Anyway, because youâ€™ve been trying so hard, actually, more out of pity, let me offer you some advice: The other day one of your conversation starters cracked me up, â€œGreetings from your favorite underwear brandâ€. Hereâ€™s the thing, nobody says â€œgreetingsâ€ to greet anymore. Sort your language out.
The other thing is about the sheer intensity with which you are trying to grab my attention. Stop being a weirdo, Iâ€™ve got a few as friends like that, because â€œhar ek zaroori hota hai â€¦right?â€, I forget their namesâ€¦ and that is the point!
360-degree is what you call it? I feel like your posters and banners are caving in on me. Honestly, the only thing that goes 360 is my head.
Chances are youâ€™ll get me wrong. I mean, you spend a lot of money on research to get me wrong, so I have no reason to think otherwise. So allow me to clear the air, I am not saying â€œleave me aloneâ€, not yet. Iâ€™m saying â€œchallenge me like an equalâ€. Speak to us honestly and weâ€™ll respect you for that. For instance I dig genuine offers and discounts but the little repulsive star at the bottom of everything makes me leak.
Now, you might say: â€œYeah yeah, we got the point smarty pantsâ€ (By the way no one uses that kind of language anymore either). Come on! Iâ€™ve been to one of those focus groups you organize (will again, just for the grub, well done on that). Those pompous B-School grads you keep for company are hurting you. I mean, the reason they joined you was because they wanted to get off the streets we inhabit. Fire their ass and invite us for dinner. Here, Iâ€™ve spilled it and it is really that simple.
Letâ€™s start with not sending me a â€œthank youâ€ message in the next second.
Kuber Chopra runs the Youth Marketing Advisory, Rasta. Heâ€™s a massive fan of common sense, self loathing and hates political correctness and established ideas in general. A Sports enthusiast, he is easily tempted into any opportunity to play or watch one. His most recent achievement is writing this bio and doing handstand push-ups. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org